I just realised that my last post was on August 13. I guess I just didn't feel the urgency to blog. Well, first of all it's 12 midnight so Happy Merdeka :)

Every little thing sets me off these days and it's frustrating because I used to be able to handle things better than this. When something gets to me, my heart starts beating faster, I can feel something boiling up in me and then BAM! I explode. Is it the stress? but I don't really feel stressed out. I don't know but if this doesn't stop I'm going to be in deep s***.

After school yesterday I had tea with Katt and her two sisters. They are really funny and even funnier with Katt. Haha. Plus, I can finally differentiate between Lilian and Michelle. Katt even had to test me in school before meeting up with them :p

Anyway, we went to Ms Read at BV2 to have desserts and gossip about all sorts of things. I swear, it was good fun :) Plus, I got to know what law was like in general coming from 2 law students. I felt bad though that they paid the bill so I'll just have to repay the kindness by having another tea time session only this time, on me :D

Trials are in 2 weeks and I havent's started studying. Way to go, Vanessa! sigh. Maybe I should've gone to science after all so that the studious environment will motivate me to study harder instead of slacking off. Then again, I love commerce :)

Oh yes, I finally sat for a realy add math exam on tuesday. It was alright I guess. I mean it wasn't exactly the same format as I was used to but I could do most of it. Now I just need to see if I made any careless mistakes or anything of that sort because I am prone to doing that.

Mr Ramesh wants saturday BM classes now before my trials and I agreed. sigh. I know, stupid stupid stupid thing to do but I didn't really have a choice coz I secretly know that it's good for me.

On a lighter note, last weekend Lisa and I stayed at Renaissance coz mummy had a 2 night complimentary stay there. Can you believe I actually woke up at 8 to go swimming?? I know, it's a miracle. We went to Pavilion with Lisa's parents, my parents and Ling's parents including their friend Aunty Vicky. There, Lisa and I had the awesomest sale! 70% off all ladies wear at Giordano Concept Store. It's not like the ordinary Giordano store and the offer was to die for.

Guess how long we spent in the fitting room? From around 9.30 till 10.30. Haha! Well, let's just say we were trying on a lot of clothes :)

Congratulations to :

i) Lisa - for scoring straight A's in her A-Levels and also 100% for 3 papers!
ii) Ling - for scoring 98% in her specialist maths!

I swear, I think my family's weird. Plus, there's more pressure to score good grades *sigh* The holidays are here but it somehow doesn't feel like the holidays. It feels so gloomy because I know that SPM is nearing the corner. I don't remember feeling this way during PMR. I wonder why....

Anyway, had 3 hours of BM this morning which was BAD. We ate in class anyway and drove over to 7 eleven to buy some food. After school met up with Sa ee and her aussie friend at Midvalley where I managed to convince mummy to let me cancel tuition so that I can eat Sang Ha Mein tonight :D (big prawn mee)

We went to Yuen's house for a while and I ended up playing with the baby. He's so CUTE! and FAT for a 2 month old baby. He can't focus properly so he just stares into oblivion but trust me he loves to stare. I can just imagine him at around 4 years old, staring at the tv with Yuen and just like Yuen, scary.

Freedom Writers is cool and August Rush is amazing! :D

Anyway, some overdue pictures: :)

My attempt to study failed due to many distractions and lack of will power. Clearly, I need to get rid of my laptop and my computer. sigh...

Not to mention I haven't done my BM tuition homework. I am so dead.

Maybe I'll have better luck studying tomorrow? :)

yeah right...

kill me.

Have you ever immersed yourself in water, shut your eyes, not breathe and just drift off?

I have.

It's a calm and eerie feeling but peaceful. I can feel myself dangerously headed towards that direction but on the other hand I have my responsible side pulling me in the other direction, reminding me of my responsibilities, life, goals, parents and friends etc.

For the first time in 1 and a half years I felt myself, the new and controlled-self, slowly slipping away and so today at approximately 6.15 pm, I lost myself.

cried like I never had,
screamed like I never had,
punched like I never had,
wondered like I never had,
hated like I never had,
loved like I never had.

I'm tired. I'm tired of pretending that everything's peachy sweet when it's not. I've been pretending so much that I didn't even realise that what was peachy sweet was so bitter that nothing could save it anymore. My room is my sanctuary from the coldness and bitterness that I get outside.

I need to get a grip.

On a lighter note, the link for the siri 6/2009 National Service came up on the website today. Naturally Naveen came rushing in during accounts (poor teacher, I think he's given up on us)
inform us that both Siew Pun and Yee Keat got chosen for NS. The whole class, and I mean WHOLE class apologized to Encik Zainuddin and ran to the tutorial class to check for our IC numbers.

One by one we all checked our IC numbers. Katt, Jas, Haz, Bryan, Yee Keat and Siew Pun got chosen from our class. It's so surprising that so many people from just our class got chosen. As for Science 1 and 2 quite a few got chosen as well. But I'm sure most of them will be able to defer :)

p.s. thank god I didn't get chosen.

Why do we subject ourselves to this? Why be emotionally blackmailed into feeling this s***? As I sit here listening to what she has to say and as my heart breaks for her I am secretly cursing the dominant sex. I mean, who gives them the right to do this?? Who the the hell do they think they are?? God created both sexes for a reason, it's a ying and yang thing not a cat and mouse thing.

Anyway, weekend update is preeeetttyyyyy much zilch. I can't believe the weekend has passed so fast and it's passing faster and faster each week and very soon it'll be the weekend before the start of SPM! *panic*

okay bimbotic moment gone.

study.......... study............. study............

It's always "Why do YOU have to always do this?" or "Why do YOU always get angry over small things like this?" or whatever the hell statement that involves me being the psycho one. Do you even get why or are you too fixated on blaming me that you don't even fucking care. And when I say that you're blaming me, no you say you're just pointing it out. IT'S THE FUCKING SAME THING!

Then it's the "Where's the disc??" or "Put it back!" or "Don't touch my things!". If you don't fucking want us to touch your things then why bring it back from your friends?? Why not just hide it and smuggle it?? You mean to say that just cause they gave it to YOU it's out of bounds to us?? That we can't watch it as well. Then don't fucking ask us to burn or keep movies for you when you want them!

Do you think I'm a fucking 6 year old that I don't know when my exams are coming?? I don't even think that you've ever had a childhood because you claim to know what it's all about but you don't show it. Just leave me the fuck alone, I'll score the A's for you so I can leave and never look back.