kill me.

Have you ever immersed yourself in water, shut your eyes, not breathe and just drift off?

I have.

It's a calm and eerie feeling but peaceful. I can feel myself dangerously headed towards that direction but on the other hand I have my responsible side pulling me in the other direction, reminding me of my responsibilities, life, goals, parents and friends etc.

For the first time in 1 and a half years I felt myself, the new and controlled-self, slowly slipping away and so today at approximately 6.15 pm, I lost myself.

cried like I never had,
screamed like I never had,
punched like I never had,
wondered like I never had,
hated like I never had,
loved like I never had.

I'm tired. I'm tired of pretending that everything's peachy sweet when it's not. I've been pretending so much that I didn't even realise that what was peachy sweet was so bitter that nothing could save it anymore. My room is my sanctuary from the coldness and bitterness that I get outside.

I need to get a grip.

On a lighter note, the link for the siri 6/2009 National Service came up on the website today. Naturally Naveen came rushing in during accounts (poor teacher, I think he's given up on us)
inform us that both Siew Pun and Yee Keat got chosen for NS. The whole class, and I mean WHOLE class apologized to Encik Zainuddin and ran to the tutorial class to check for our IC numbers.

One by one we all checked our IC numbers. Katt, Jas, Haz, Bryan, Yee Keat and Siew Pun got chosen from our class. It's so surprising that so many people from just our class got chosen. As for Science 1 and 2 quite a few got chosen as well. But I'm sure most of them will be able to defer :)

p.s. thank god I didn't get chosen.